Loyalty to our abusers

Ice cold and numb to the bone
Trying to survive this all alone
Flashes of fright before my eyes
Cant get away from the bad guys
Seezing me in my dreams at night
I am unable even then to take flight
My response always seems the same
Inflicting pain, accepting the shame
I cant believe that I had no control then
I place my thoughts on the should have been
Why did I not once fight back, i wonder
Anger inside like rolling thunder
For all that happened I must blame me
Fault is placed on who its got to be
They are innocent and should be loved
Loyalty puts all above
Doesnt matter what they did
Doesnt matter I was just a kid
Its only right I give them all
Including my life, as to my knees I fall
I remain led by the fires light
As to my soul they hold tight
I give to them what they do not deserve
And for myself leave nothing in reserve

wounds

wounds that refuse to heal
are under the skin
not at the surface
they are raw and sore
and it’s painful to move
these are the wounds
that bring out tears
wounds from back
so many years
from childhood lost
and never again found
though you cry out
you get no answer
these are the wounds
that refuse to heal

To our psychiatrist, words?

the pain twists inside, it twists inside of me
why is it that no body can see
what hurts the most is the words said
not what happened on the floor or in the bed
it’s the words that hurt so very deep down
i wear them like the worlds ugliest crown
with thorns that poke into my skull into my brain
driving me slowly, slowly insane
it was what was said that hurts the most
the words that make a little girl a ghost
invisible in the beauty that is hers to keep
out of her world that prettiness will creep
it’s the words that twist inside, twist inside
the words that are something i no longer can hide
ugly words that make me feel ugly too
can i tell just one person, can it be you?

I have the urge to self harm

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE
TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY
TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE
AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE
I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS
THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE
MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY
HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD
IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN
I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED
THE ONLY WAY I’VE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME
I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB
THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE
HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS
LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS
YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF
WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

Food

food

you cant live without it

but you cant live with it

each time you pass the fridge

something calls to you

but you refuse to answer

and you go on thru your day

refusing the signals within

denying that you are hungry

telling yourself skip one more meal

and slowly you see results

the pounds are coming off

you look thinner

and people notice

have you lost weight they say

thinking they are being helpful

but are they being helpful

as you lose pounds

you lose muscle

as you lose muscle you become weak

how long can you keep it up

how long can you live like this

on next to nothing and sometimes nothing

you try to cry but tears wont come

youve hardened somehow

become tougher

but a title wave of emotion rages within

and you dont know how to control it

the only control you know is food

there it is again…

food

Flashbacks

they are color and sound and smell,

they are feelings

everything but words

and no way of dealing

how can i understand this?

was it something bad that’s spinning

why does all this come back

i can’t make sense of the beginning

a world of crazy swirls

where is my voice, before i had one

i cant find the way to talk about

all that needs to be said about what was done

how can i express pain?

when all i know is what’s inside

the tears come, but i cannot tell you

why, even after i’ve cried

am i locked in this place?

stuck in the past with no way of escape

will i always wonder how to describe

all the things that took shape

copyright 2006

Could have been

i could have been beautiful
but you spattered me with blood
i might have been graceful
but you knocked me into the mud

i could have been courageous
but you crumpled me into a ball
i might have been brave
but you made me feel so small

i could have been intelegent
but you taught me not to try
i might have been brilliant
but you told me the truth is a lie

i could have been trusting
but your promises lay broken
i might have been confiding
but you taught me to leave everything unspoken

i could have been independent
but you left so many needs unfilled
i might have been self-reliant
but you made it so i couldn’t rebuild

i could have been whole
but you tore me all apart
i might have been so much more
but you destroyed my growing heart

copyright 2006